What do I want for 2007? 2008 - I’m bored of 2007 already. Mind you I can't complain any New Year's Eve spent with a tube of Pringles for 3 hours of the day has got to be good, but In my usual way, despite the fact I just said I can't complain guess what I’m going to do...yup, complain.
First, 2007 is just the same as 2006 except I get the date wrong for the first 11 months of the year. Ironic since I spent most of 2006 with the date in 2005.
Second, New Year's Resolution - well done if you keep yours - I’m still struggling to think what I should do for New Year 2002. Anyways Merry 2003.
Third, why do all the drunks, hobos, and Crack Addicts suddenly get referred to as 'Revellers' if it's on New Year's Eve? Sadly ‘Revellers’ don’t come in an orange flavour.
However, never fear, I have suggestions to make New Year 2007 better, because let’s face it, it sucked ass.
1) In London on the countdown, they could've blown up St. Steven's Tower (The one with Big Ben in it) and knocked it on to the London Eye which then goes bobbing down the Thames knocking through bridges - since I’m feeling kind, every moron that drives into the Thames I think a £10 Should be donated to charity – Sub-equatorial African debt, solved!
2)Screw with everybody's watches and clocks so they all countdown to New Year at a slightly different time thus making a 'Mexican Wave' effect across England of people saying Happy New Year late. And make all the clocks chime an extra hour at 11pm, and tell them they were all an hour late anyway, just for spite.
3) Aliens Abduct France - oh come on you know you want it to happen and the world is a better place without it.
4) Tell People it's 1972 just for the fun of it and tell them they've been in a coma so long that time went backwards and they just don't remember any of it so now we are in 1973 going to 1972 - And if anyone believes that they are officially nearly as stupid as Bush and as a result should be forced to play Chicken with the tide of the Sea. Thus England's average IQ Goes up.
5) Hand out a New Year's Eve Darwin Awards to see who can 'remove' themselves from the population in the most interesting way before midnight. In which case if you tried to kill yourself before midnight and didn't succeed you have actually managed to fail at failing - well done you've sunk so low you're a success!
6) Create a Giant Homeless Cannon and fire the homeless at Politicians - 2 Problems Sorted in One, and you might get to validly use the phrase ‘Boom...Headshot’.
7) Just for fun – Give Barry Scott, George Bush, Tony Blair (Edit 15/06/09: Read Cyclops a.k.a Gordon Brown for a more contemporary political poigniance), Britney Spears, All Reality TV contestants and the staff at Orange Battle Royale collars and detonate them at the instant an annoying / stupid / bullshit / any / confrontational comment is made (respectively)...And it makes for nice cheap fireworks.
Look at the problems I solved: Killed a few morons, destroyed priceless English landmarks, solved African debt, screwed up the countdown and confused the gullible into thinking it's 1972, wiped France off the map, raised England's average IQ, Handed out a Darwin Award, made the Failures of suicide into successes, used the homeless as Ammunition, wasted a Few Politicians and killed many ‘celebrities’ and Orange staff and managed to recreate a Battle Royale situation, and made cheap fireworks.
...I also arrange birthday parties.
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